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Logan Paul is back and involved with another WWE World Champion. Are we surprised? I don’t know, you tell me. That was the crux of Monday’s “WWE Raw” in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, and it sure was a great way to sour the sweet coronation of CM Punk after Saturday Night’s Main Event.

We’ve all been Punk’d

It’s difficult. Describing the emotional rollercoaster we just rode on will be a task, folks. I will do my best. Bear with me as we go through it again, bit by bit.

Ugh.

First of all, thirty-minute show-opener segments are officially insane. Twenty minutes feels like a good sweet spot if — and only if — reserved for something big and super significant. This was not one of those nights.

 Regardless, CM Punk was the obvious first person we’d see on “WWE Raw.”

The new World Heavyweight Champion delivered a good old-fashioned celebratory Punk promo. Well, maybe not quite “good old-fashioned,” since nobody got scorched on the mic. Instead, he went the fighting champion route, shouting out all possible challengers — including JD McDonagh. 

I mean, the former tag team champion has been great lately, but that’s an absurd mention.

Ultimately, Punk got the last laugh by mocking Seth Rollins and saying he’ll take on anyone who has earned and deserves a shot — only to get the return of Logan Paul. 

The initial groans I uttered from this were of a frequency never before heard by man. WWE has entered full-on joke mode. I’m sorry. A jump ahead has to be taken, because this is going to be Punk’s first championship program as a real champion this time. His first time in 12 freaking years.

Listen, it’s not about Paul’s ability to hang or any of that nonsense. He can. We know this. A match has the potential to be good. But the problem is that the dude is a part-timer with limited experience, making none of these big spots he gets put in compelling. That becomes even more of the case when there are options out there, like let’s say a legend in AJ Styles, who Punk mentioned off the top.

Some of the booking moves WWE makes these days are just so, so, so tired. It’s almost like trolling at the highest level.

Paul did his usual schtick before The Vision interrupted him and attacked Punk — after pushing him out of the way. I’m glad that despite the clashing heels, they didn’t just become buds because of that. So Paul ate a Tsunami, and Punk walked away in good spirits — until the night descended into even more obscurity.

Jey Uso met Punk backstage to be all buddy-buddy and set up a tag team match for the main event. Why? Essentially, just because he doesn’t like The Vision. Jimmy Uso was nowhere to be seen, and Jey’s teased heel-turn edge was gone on this “Raw.” It felt like the perfect time to see him make that turn on Punk after losing to him again. That didn’t happen, which made his placement in all of this all the worse.

The match ended in a lame double-countout draw. That’s not a creative way to end a match, but for WWE, it kind of is, considering the DQ alternative, I suppose. Talk about a buzzkill.

Then the swerve attempts continued. Post-match chaos slowly broke down, then Paul re-emerged when Uso was down and Punk stared down The Vision with everyone holding chairs — Paul with brass knuckles.

There was a sliver of hope that Paul was actually going to turn face here, but how foolish of me to even slightly have that thought. He punched Punk and gave his weapon to Paul Heyman, seemingly aligning with The Vision as Rollins’ replacement.

Surprisingly unsurprised might best describe the events that unfolded between these wrestlers on “Raw.” It’s even more of a slap in the face to someone like Bron Breakker, who’s watching his spot be taken right in front of him.

At least he was actually on the show — unlike my poor boy, LA Knight, who is six-feet under after last week.

🎭Rey-turn of the Night

Dominik Mysterio is getting face reactions while being reverted to heel characteristics — that couldn’t have been any more exemplified by the return of his father, Rey Mysterio. Despite having already seen a healthy program between the son and father duo, this was very welcome, considering the time and changes that had occurred since.

The Intercontinental and AAA Champion continued to make his claims about being the best luchador of all-time, including being greater than Eddie Guerrero, whom he hilariously called his father. A serious Rey just hits different, and the two came to blows after Mysterio told his son he’ll never be the best of anything he claims as long as he’s around.

They came to blows in a relatively harmless exchange that one has to assume will lead to another match. Why not? Have Rey be the one to get past all of Dom’s shenanigans that keep winning him matches. That works for me — although it doesn’t get Dom much closer to becoming a face, like the fans clearly want.

🤔Continental Comparison

Rusev vs. Damian Priest and Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Sheamus will be the first matches that kick off the John Cena retirement match tournament on the next “Raw.” The concept for this tournament is pretty brilliant, cool, and unique — all of the things — for a retirement of Cena’s caliber without his ultimate edgy rival available. (See what I did there?)

In a way, it feels like WWE’s excuse to make an equivalent to AEW’s Continental Classic because these first matches are completely random as hell, but sure to be bangers with clean finishes. We’re all the way here for that, and surely the whole thing will deliver no matter the grand victor.

👍MONDAY NIGHT MONEY👍

1. The Judgment Day defeated Stephanie Vaquer and Nikki Bella when Roxanne Perez pinned Bella off the Pop-Rox. This match was great, and as per usual, Raquel Rodriguez looked strong as hell, which she always should. Everyone else carried their weight as you’d expect, and Bella is starting to shake off the rust more and more alongside wrestlers of this caliber. I don’t love any possibility for this mini-feud continuing, but it was nice to see Perez and Rodriguez stay strong with a technical win over the world champion. The latter now gets a title shot on next week’s “Raw” — and the bizarre friendship between Vaquer and Bella strengthens.

2. Penta defeated El Grande Americano with the Mexican Destroyer. This was just a good, clean, wholesome match, and more so, a rare Americano loss. Penta regained some much-needed steam, essentially outsmarting and taking out the whole trio of masked men.

3. AJ Styles and Dragon Lee defeated The Judgment Day to retain their World Tag Team Championships. This match became rather overbooked once Mysterio and Sheamus, of all people, got involved on the outside, continuing to play out this lengthy, never-ending turmoil within the Judgment Day. There were some brilliant near-fall spots, and the match was excellent despite the fact that it shouldn’t have happened.

👎RAW DEAL👎

Becky Lynch cut a promo on Maxxine Dupri. This was just a complete rinse and repeat from Lynch. She has so much more in her verbal arsenal than this, so I’m not sure what the point was, other than to give her TV time. That could have been done in other ways, and I’m curious as to why WWE is waiting on the Dupri trilogy match.

👑 Uncrowned Gem of the Night 👑

Asuka is a gem. Kairi Sane is a gem. Bayley is a gem. Lyra Valkyria is a gem. They’re all gems, folks. Therefore, the Kabuki Warriors vs. Valkyria and Bayley match was the obvious Uncrowned Gem of the Night.

Let’s get the confusion right out of the way and say that I still don’t see the point of anything with Bayley and Valkyria, especially as Bayley’s split-personality gimmick has seriously started to fade. Regardless, this match was a delight, and everyone worked together exceptionally. The dynamic of Bayley and Valkyria be damned, their styles make for a great combination. And when they looked to be right on the cusp of victory, Valkyria got countered off a top rope dive into the Asuka Lock and tapped.

The Kabuki Warriors’ win clearly sets up their title shot, which will probably be even better than this match. Sure, the post-match run-in from the champions Alexa Bliss and Charlotte Flair was odd, slow, and unnecessary, but it confirmed the expectation.

👑The whole Paul usage really soured this otherwise pretty solid “Raw.” I give this show a Crown score of: 6/10.👑